Filed under: Elective Mutism, Selective Mutism, Shy, anxiety, self healing, shyness | Tags: anxiety, Elective Mutism, family, Selective Mutism, selective mutism advice for teachers, self healing, shyness
I have seen recently searches to get to my blog, the search string is ” selective mutism disorder blog”. My concern is the word disorder, puts such a negative outcome adn on the present condition and what that means to others. Selective mutism may be a condition, but not a disorder to me, this tags it as something bad and wrong. It is not and it just is happening to many children, including my son who overcame the condition. I am not sure this is the best way to phrase it.
Perhaps unenlightened doctors or teachers think of it that way and it may be the correct medical term, but I don’t like the labeling. I am sure a parent would not. It is happening to their child and they desperately want to find a way to have it get resolved, to getcured or what ever it takes to make this condition go away.
Disorder places these children with lower learning students and this is not the case, they are most likely highly gifted. If kept, placed or trapped in the system, they will loose their edge. Yes it is harder to teach and interact, but never give up, do not allow them to be placed in lower learning and behavioural classroom and do not allow this labeling of Selective Mutism.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Gifted, IEP, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, shyness | Tags: 504 or IEP, anxiety, autism, child with selective mutism, delayed speach, elective mustim, Elective Mutism, family, generation rescue, Gifted testing, group sports for a child with selective mutism, lack of eye contact, Mute, outside testing for gifted, overcoming selective mutism, selective mustim, selective mustism, Selective Mutism, selective mutism advice for teachers, selectively mute, self healing, Shy, sport and selective mustim, teaching a child with selective mustim, team sports with a child with selective mutism
I think a milestone should be added today to this blog. My son graduated Jr. High, will be a freshman next year and had a 4.0. For a kid who could not put two words together during pre school, this is a milestone.
He talks, he talks too much, he is popular, words that if you had asked me 10 years ago, I would of said how, he never speaks a word to any of his class mates. He has tons of friends today. The selective mutism never came back, but there are still hangovers to those days. He is a perfectionist and it is his way or the highway.
He will be a teacher, lawyer or preacher when he grows up, his word are so spot on. The kids at school call him Dr. >>>>, like Dr. Phil since he can tell them what in their life is not working and get them on the right track. Parents call him the voice of reason. They always know they can go to him to find out what really went on. Words are a big part of his life. He is a very good writer. It comes easily to him. Sometimes I think for all the early struggles, it should be easy. Time will tell.
I still sit in amazement at how far we have come and how many paths we went down. Always fearing every grade that it would re-appear, luckily it did not. How many teacher I had to train on what it was. How many feared it and tried to put him in a ” special class”. How many were annoyed that they would have to have a child with Selective Mutism who turned out to be gifted.
So instead of going down the path they wanted him to go, I had to bully my way up. I mean fight hard for him, fighting with the school administration, talking with state administrators who did not want to fund his alt test. Funding it ourselves and finding out we were right all along.
The point was he was not mute and dumb, he was selectively mute and brilliant. People have to learn the difference. Einstein did not speak until he was 5. That piece of info carried me through many a dark day. Helen Keller was blind deaf and mute, but not stupid. My son did not speak at school, but did at home, so I saw different child then they say everyday.
So my advice and why I wrote this blog was to help others, since I had no road map. Do not give up on your child, Dont’ ever give up, follow your gut, and do what you can do to make it right.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Gifted, IEP, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, self healing, shyness | Tags: Elective Mutism, health, Selective Mutism, selective mutism advice for teachers, selectively mute, Shy
I am always to grateful to see how our families story with selective mutism is helping other families. I noticed that I have a lot more teachers coming to the site looking for advice for teaching a student with selective mutism. It seem more and more common these days. Here is what I wished I had known and been able to tell teachers of how to interact with a selective mute child.
So here is my top 10 for teachers.
1: Believe the parents when they tell you the child has the condition. It was so important to have people who were helping, than those who were convinced it was something else.
2: Try many options. Try parallel play. Take a speaking child who does not care if the child does not speak and let them play side by side. Do not try to have them interact, that is too stressful for the selectively mute child. Patterning play side by side seemed to work well for my son.
3: Have lots of play dough or things for the child who is mute to interact with. My son played with play dough every day for hours. It made him happy. He was listening to everything going on around him, including teacher class lesson, but was not able to sit and do regular sit and be taught process. He would tell me what the teacher said that day when he came home. The teacher was always surprised to hear how much he had retained, since she thought he was just over in a corner playing with play dough and was not paying any attention to her.
4: Tell the child that you know they are answering you, just in their head. My son actually told me he answered every question, just in his head. So do not assume they are incapable of answering you or they are not paying attention.
5: Try having them write out or act or signal out what they want. My son would do anything you asked him to except he was unable to speak in the school setting. So don’t give up assuming they can’t and won’t. There were certain words even with me he could not say, so he would spell the word instead of saying the word or use another word. We learned what his signal was for “I am uncomfortable”, for him it was that he would pull on his eye lid. This gave us, teacher included, a heads up and was able to take steps to lessen the stress of the situation for him. Be sure to tell them in advance, if there is going to be a change of routine. Don’t spring things on these children, they do not adapt well. Such as a change of teacher, sub, going to another room for testing. He would retreat even more, if changes were not told to him in advance. I would have the teacher every morning, go through the day, verbally with him. If the teacher was going to not be there, I would tell him in the car and outline the day. If he was told in advance he was fine, if not it was a terrible upsetting day for him.
6: Find out if and when the child will speak, my son could speak very well when in the house. So I would take the work each day from the teacher and do it with him verbally, so it would be reinforced.
7; Don’t assume the child is developmentally delayed or autistic. Actually, most are very to highly gifted. Remember Einstein did not speak until he was five. That statement kept me going for many years when he had the condition.
8; The condition can and will go away in most cases or at least diminish. Give it time, it is on their clock as to when this will change and not yours. It can take many years. So don’t think you are going to “cure” them.
9: The selectively mute child hears everything you say, so careful what you say and to whom you say it to. Do not talk in front of the child as though they are not there, they are not deaf.
10: Recommend the child be placed on a 504 plan/ IEP and be tested for gifted and explain to the parents the advantages and disadvantages. These children need more exposure, not less. This was not done for my son and I wish it had. We have one now for my older son with Tourette even in High school, he is an honor student, but still needs accommodation and services to support.
10/09 update: I want to add a clarification to being put on an 504 / IEP. This does not mean pull the selective mute child from classroom and put in a class with lower learning identified. This means making accommodations in a main stream classroom and higher. These students need more and faster, not less and slower. As soon as we got the gifted designation, we had him moved to classes for the gifted on subjects they offered it in and then he went back to a regular class for all other subjects. This gifted class worked well since it was a smaller class number and he was being taught at an appropriate level.
That was always a battle with the school, since they only taught one year above class level even in a gifted level. They indicated that the class curriculum strings were wider for the gifted program and thus covered the extent they needed to under the law. My point was teach to his level, not to the minimum you are required to do for gifted students. That is why I looking back I should of put him on an IEP/ 504. To force the school to educate him as needed, not as they wanted.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Gifted, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, self healing, shyness | Tags: Elective Mutism, family, health, Selective Mutism, self healing
A reader of my blog asked the following questions, that several of you asked about.
Her comment was: How old was your son at the time of this testing? I believe with all my heart that my daughter is gifted as well as having the selective mutism (along with some SPD issues). She’s only 4.5 and has started reading without real prompting. She’d hit the ceiling the non-verbal portions on a kindergarten readiness test (The McCarthy Scales of Children’s abilities), which is considered a bridge between developmental and IQ tests. She has a language comprehension of a 7 year old. I don’t know how well she did on the visual-spatial parts, but I think she did quite well. I’ll know for sure next week.
I feel that a gifted with an IEP designation will be the way to go, and seeing how it worked out for you confirms the idea that I need to push for it.
But one question remains – how did your son test so well on the private test, but not well on the school’s test? What did the private tester do differently?
My reply: My son was 7 when after three years of trying to figuring it out and being tuned down and not passing 3 years of the school version of gifted testing, did we have him tested outside. I think the second grade is a good time, since at that point he gap between this advancement and the teaching level, left us no choice. His second grade teacher called saying after 6 weeks from the start of school to tell us that he was done with second grade and what did we want to do with him? Now we had had that happen also in first grade, but at least it was after the xmas break. My answer was teach him at his level. That was not met with agreement. Thus the outside testing was our only option left, besides leaving the school and that crossed my mind many times.
The private testing is done on to one, not in a group setting. It is not in a school setting, this is very good for children with selective mustim like mine who may not be able to speak at school or have anxiety issues around school setting or children from the school.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, self healing, shyness | Tags: 504 or IEP, anxiety, Elective Mutism, family, Gifted testing, health, Mute, Selective Mutism, self healing, Shy, teaching a child with selective mustim
I think one of the areas that we relied a lot on teachers advice for was on the question of should he have the work up and qualify for an IEP or 504 plan. I heard from parents that have children with disabilities or other conditions that they were put on a 504 or IEP depending on the condition. The parents called it the “ruby slippers” to getting the educational needs met of their children. Basically it gave them the legal standing to make or in some cases force accommodation and educational tailoring with in their school for their child.
What the teachers failied to tell me when I asked about 504 or IEP, was that I was asking for the wrong accommodations. My son was very bright, he was a good student in their mind, so thier advice to me was why label him, and therefore they recommended nothing should be done. They would make thier own accompations in the class room. That is what I heard year after year, teacher after teacher. Oh no … you really don’t want to do that, don’t label him, he is too bright.
In the spectrum, I learned in most cases the IEP and 504 are for lower performing or those needing accommodation. What I finally learned is that I should of been asking for was a gifted evaluation. Why the teachers did not say anything is interesting. I learned later they don’t like to loose their brightest students out of their classroom and wanted the opportunity to teach him. But it just was not working and he was not getting the education at the right level. Now he was so bored and we where loosing his attention.
I talked with other parents to figure it out. I later learned you can be designated gifted and also have an IEP and or a 504. The issue was education path. If he was first designated gifted, they would provide the right level of education, then apply the IEP to allow accommodations. If not the accommodation would be in a lower learning room or in the class room. Those programs are to slow the process down for learning not accommodate a high learner with additional needs.
Once I asked the right questions, the test was given and with his anxiety he did terribly on the test, as I expected. Put him in a new room with a strange teacher and he would not pass any test, let alone a gifted test. So they said he does not qualify, we could reapply in a year. Dead end.
The teachers later explained that the testing for gifted given at the school was only one test format and the goals was to keep the number of children who qualify down, since they do not get the funding to the levels needed for these program. The other area is they are not equipped, nor do they want to have a mixture of a high class level of students and a child with accommodations. I think it was a fact that they would need to change the way they teach and did not desire to do that.
They did give me a clue, that there were 10 total tests that the state would recognize, the school just would not give them, they chose the hardest one to pass to keep the numbers down. Nor would they pay the $1200 to test him privately. They basically said again, if we could afford it we should try that route. If not, he would not be accommodated.
So this put us in a world of he is so advanced, but the tests that the school needs a grade on says he did not qualify …so your basically stuck.
Should we invest in the tests outside? Why would the school not offer the other tests? It lead me on another road in this long journey to figure out how to get the right education to my child that fits for him, not the school district process. I had ideas, armed with options and wanted to not let this go. I call the state education board and learned some interesting facts…..
I would ask each year the teacher if this was something that should be done for my son. Their answer was, oh you don’t want to do that. He is far too smart and you really do not want him labeled.
Now this was confusing to me. In the end we did have him tested outside at great cost and he was tested as and designated as gifted, it was needed for him to be in the right setting for a selectively mute child to excel, not what the school district dictates for main stream students. This designation put him on the correct path and he excelled. It took a lot of our effort and our money, but it was so worth it.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, self healing, shyness | Tags: autism, Elective Mutism, family, health, Selective Mutism, self healing, Shy
I had just finished my last blog on selective mutism and my gut feel that vaccines may be ground zero, when I was checking out from my chiropractor’s appointment. As I was at the check out there was a flyer taped up on the wall that read, “Are we poisoning our kids in the name of protecting their health? ” Now this caught my attention and I asked if she would make me a copy. It was from Generation Rescue, which I know nothing about and have never heard of before. www.generationrescue.org. But it laid out the case for autism rate in 1983 of 1 in 10,000 with 10 shots required. And in 2008, 1 to 150 with 36 shots required. In small print at the bottom was a thank you to Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy for their support of this organization. I had just seen her book on Autism at the Barnes and Noble when I was trying to find a book on selective mutism. Could we both be on the same path for different conditions? This info caught my attention.
I wonder has anyone looked at rates of selective mutism pre or post the vaccine increase? Is there a celebrity who had or child has selective mutism who can lend a face to this condition? The flyer talked about neurodevelomental disorders. Could selective mustim be part effected by vaccines?
Perhaps the autism focus and research will lead to answers that will gain traction with selective mutism? I know that my sons tourette sydrome acts up after vaccines are given, so why would it not create the issues with selective mutism that would prevent speech?
I also spoke to a gentleman at the airport who enlightened me that the sense of smell goes directly to the back of the brain is not influenced by areas in the front part of the brain. Thus my sons heightened sense of smell would not be influenced with his language part of the brain, that was effected be the select mutism. It is all small pieces of the puzzle I am still trying to put together.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, self healing, shyness | Tags: Elective Mutism, family, health, Selective Mutism, self healing, Shy, shyness
Just as the woman who I worked with missed the signs with her daughter, so did we. Even as an infant, my son would not make the same kind of eye contact that his older brother was doing at the same age. We talked about it and decided he just did not like to look or focus on our face, like his older brother did. He would look focus at us and then divert his eyes or turn away. When he a little older, he had a thrusting motion with his tongue, that became a clue to us when he was in preschool that he was anxious.
Thinking back, I should not have written off that simple turn of the head. It made us think he was shy. So for the first two years, we had already made assumptions about him, we should not of. We thought about perhaps he had sight or hearing issues and had those checked out.
He had the loudest cry and piercing scream as a baby. We use to say it made us sweat when he cried. Again reassured that it was just a different child than our first and not out of the norm.
I talked and compared with other mothers. It lead me down a path to accept as normal things that should of been the first signs of anxiety or selective mutism, when you look at them in total.
When the preschool teacher came to ask us how long he was developmentally delayed, it was a shock. We were clueless, we had missed the cues we saw to give us a hint of the things to come that he did not speak in school came as a total surprise. How did we miss it? He was not delayed at all, but when he was in school without speaking he was to them.
I write this blog as a way of helping other families that may starting on the same roads that we traveled. If it helps one other family, my time writing this will have been worth it.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, self healing, shyness | Tags: Elective Mutism, family, health, medicine, Selective Mutism, self healing
The potential we had hoped for to set the bar high, to have him make a leap into a first grade program with high academic and social standards was easy for him, harder for us. He excelled at the program and within that year came out of his shell as the teachers described it.
Pre school would of been a time for him to practice his verbal skills and without that time he did have some ground to make up. What we where able to find out is my son actually thought the words just did not say them. Thus it was just the act of speaking or speaking up that was needing practice.
The interaction for us as parents was harder, since we were not practiced in the ways of the competitive elementary school parent society. Actually it was a shock, since he did not make the school connections in the past. It was our first year of the social side of school that we had missed due to no one invited him or us in the past, since he did not speak due to selective mutism.
In the back of our minds over the next few years, we worried that something would trigger it and the selective mutism would come back, it did not. Were we just lucky? Was there divine intervention? Would it of happened naturally?
I now knew how to spot it early and helped another family who had no idea what was going on with their child.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, self healing, shyness | Tags: alternative medicine, anxiety, Elective Mutism, family, Selective Mutism, self healing, Shy, shyness
Kindergarten first day was an anxious for us as it was for him.. Actually I think he did better. We spoke to the teacher on the first day, told her of the situation and asked that she tell him ahead of time what they would be doing, watch for any anxiousness on his part and crossed our fingers. Was the selective mustim gone or would it reappear in this new school setting?
The teacher said he was quiet, but did interact and did speak to her and to another child. Good news…day one. The school year progressed and he did very well, still very cautious and somewhat shy but he was speaking and interacting. The teacher was hoping for more interaction and participation, but with all that had gone on for the past 3 years we were thrilled.
One day his teacher called in sick and he had a set back, and was very upset, but other than that, the I’m Sorry stayed verbal and so did his words. When she returned so did the words.
He completed kindergarten with flying colors. My desire was to move him into an accelerated program for first grade that the school offered. He had not been accepted on the first round. I am not sure why, but he was not, so I asked his kindergarten teacher to keep and eye out and if an opening happened, we would want to put him in this learning family class. This would be a huge leap for him to come into his own. These were the brightest children in the school and the most aggressive and highly participatory parents. I hoped that this would be the next step in having him reach his full potential.
We knew he was bright, we just did not know if the pressure of setting the bar higher would make him soar or retreat into his world of selective mutism. As I have all along this journey, I wanted the best for him and for nothing to stand-in his way. Could I expect the same from him as I could from a child with out this condition?
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, self healing, shyness | Tags: anxiety, Elective Mutism, family, health, Selective Mutism, self healing, Shy
Time did tell that his selective mutism did not return when he went back to preschool. Some aspects of his control of life did change and became complex. His need to plan the day and his sense of smell became heightened in certain situations.
Planning the day became a big deal in the house. We needed to tell him each morning exactly what was to go on that day. This seemed to give him comfort and if the day turned out to be has we described, he was fine. If the day turned out to be different and not as he would of expected, he would be very anxious and unhappy.
We dropped him off as pre school one day and the teacher got sick and a sub came in. He withdrew and cried. He came home very mad that we had not told him of the change. For years after I would tell his teachers to prepare him in advance for change, if they did not that it would cause him issues.
Another day he was put into another classroom without preparation and that was very unnerving for him. He seemed not to be able to function if the plan changed without some advance notice.
We went on a play date to his friend’s house that had played with him all those years when he did not speak. His friend was delighted he now could speak. We went to his house for the first time. The plan was for me to stay for a while and then leave, to see how he would do. I told my son the plan and he want not happy about me leaving.
We get to the friends house and they greet us. My son walks in and says, This house smells. Mom, I can’t stay, the house smells. I am embarrassed, and I tried to say, oh no there is not smells is this house. At least I could not smell anything. Our friends were horrified, as he continues to say, we have to go, this house smells. After that time, if he was anxious he would tell me it would smell, as a way to tell me he was uncomfortable.
He completed his red shirt preschool year with flying colors, speaking up and now fully participating. The teachers were so pleased with this progress. Kindergarten was now weeks away and all that made him safe and secure to speak was about to change, new school, new friends, how would that effect the fragile hope that the speaking would continue. Was his selective mutism really gone or would it return?
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, self healing, shyness | Tags: Elective Mutism, family, Selective Mutism, self healing, shyness
The school year started out with more anticipation than most. Would he speak? Would he not speak? Time would tell, if the selective mutism would morph into something else? We had given him the gift of a preschool red shirt year to find out.
The school bell rang out and so did his voice. It was just as though he had always spoken. He spoke to the children, to the teachers and even to us…at school!!!!. What a marvelous thing… we waited around to see if there would be any regression, shyness or blank face like in past years. None… OK Check… what is he doing? Did he head right for the play doe…..no…hum he was interacting with the children.?? What… interacting with the children. We were stunned. It was the light switch was on all he was totally different.
When we picked him up as school that day, we asked him how his day was? He said good, but the strangest thing.. All the kids followed me around all day in a big line? Why do you think they were doing that? They all wanted to see and hear me speak.
I smiled; it was as shocking for the children who knew him all these years to see him now speaking. They followed him around for days, like a great wise sage. There were some items that appeared over time in how he handled changed or new situtation that needed to be managed, but over all, it was so gratifying to have him speak, engaged, smiling and interacting with his teachers and his school mates.
His teachers was shocked at his language skills. They pulled me aside after the first day and said they needed to apologize to me. That I was right all along and that his was very very bright and articulate. They had now idea how advances his langue age skills really were. Since there were no tests that they gave that ever showed it.
The days turned to months and the months turned to more comfort that this was not a passing phase that would take him back to the other world of selective mutism? Or would it? Time would tell.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, self healing, shyness | Tags: Elective Mutism, family, Selective Mutism, self healing, Shy, shyness
The next morning was filled with anticipation, would he say I’m sorry again or would it be a one day exception. Would it effect positively effect his selective mutisms? We held our breath.
He came bounding down the stairs, had breakfast,… and spilled his milk. A typical morning with a 5 year old. Then the words, Mommy, I’m sorry, I’ll clean it up. My husband and I stood there stunned. What, he said it in such as normal tone, like he had spoken that word all along. From that day forward it was like a light switch had been turned on and that word Sorry was no longer an issue. Nor did he after time remember that he could not say the word Sorry. We once we realized he did not remember not speaking the word, we did not speak of it again, since we were afraid he might revert.
Preschool started next week, and the teachers had already begun to set up their room. We planned a visit to the school that week to see if it has any effect on his selective mutism. He had not spoken a word at the school for over three years.
We went into his last years teachers class room and she was so delighted to see him.. Oh,xxx how was your summer? She immediately answered; since she knew the drill. Oh I bet it was great.
He then said, Hi Miss R, I had a great summer. The teacher dropped to her knees, my husband and I cried. It was the words we had hoped for him to speak He looked at me as said, mommy what are you crying? We just could not believe our ears. Something happened when the glass broke that broke the silence.
I just sat their watching my son and his teacher on the floor, he was sitting on her lap and he was speaking full sentences to her. She reminded him about the butterfly key chain and that if he spoke she would give him more keys. She called it his key to speaking. She went to the draw and pulled out some more old keys and told him they where his. She later told us, she had practically given up and was going to give them away. My son still has those keys. It was a ground-breaking day.
But how long would it last, would he speak to the children in a new class this year. We waited for Monday for school to start overjoyed at the miraculous progress. Our selectively mute son had a break through of huge proportion.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, self healing, shyness | Tags: alternative medicine, Elective Mutism, health, selective mustim, self healing, Shy, shyness
My son looked shocked at what had happened. I calmly took him into the living room and started showing him the shards of glass and pieces of bowls. I told him if there was ever a day to say you’re sorry- this would be it. He started by spelling out S_O_R_R_Y, mommy, I know I should not have done that, mommy. His brother came in to find his clay art project that we so proudly displayed also in smashed pieces. He was not happy and his brother knew it. S-o-r-r-y , s-o-r-r-y, he spelled over and over again.
There was something in me that wanted to push the issue at this time. Perhaps if he would not speak at school, perhaps we could gain closure on the I’m sorry speak at home issue. I started by talking to him and telling him how sad I was, picking up the shards of glass and letting them fall through my hands. I kept calmly telling him that if there ever was a time to say you’re sorry this was it. An hour went on, we cried, discussed the incident, and discussed why he could not say he was sorry. This looked at though it was going to be another dead-end. My husband came in and said that I was pushing him too far and that I should stop and let it go. I did not.
Another hour went by and no progress, then just when I was about to give up… my son started to say something. In a very low tone, not in his own voice, it came out, slowly, I-I_mmmm, s-ooorrrreee in a very deep voice. What what did you say? I could hardly believe my ears; did I hear what I think I have just heard? M husband came into the room in time to hear him say again in this very deep voice and very slow as if it was difficult to get it out, I—mmmm Soorr–eee.
We were overjoyed. To hear I’m sorry, said in words, it what we had waited to hear for the past 3 and a half of his 5 years. There it was, he said it. We praised him, and asked him if he could say the same thing to his brother. His brother came in and this time he said, I’m Sorry, I broke your art project,…. it was clear and distinct now, in regular speech page and in his own voice and tone. He brother was amazed; hey mom, he said it, finally a break through.
If you ask me what I think happened, I think the trauma of breaking the crystal caused some connection in his brain to connect, that were disconnected. It was like a switch was finally connected and information was now flowing normally. But for how long, would this be a one-time event? Would it affect his selective mustim. It was late and tomorrow would tell us more.
Good night Mommy, I’m so sorry for breaking your things. It brought the biggest smile to my face in a long time. To me it was worth breaking everything we owned to have a day like that. The words I’m Sorry Mommy was a gift that was finally here.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health | Tags: anxiety, Elective Mutism, family, health, Selective Mutism, Shy, shyness
It was a weekend and the house was a buzz with activity, family has come to visit, cousins for the kids to play with. The drill was to remind everyone, to be careful in the living room, since all my good crystal and such was on the coffee table and that this a no touch, no play zone.
It was something I had set up when the children were small to protect the nice pieces and still have them displayed and for the past 5 years it had worked well with my older son and my younger son just followed along and we never had an issue. I also felt it was important not to hide good things and have them around as they grew up.
There was a tiffany pitcher, decorative plate collected from a Japan trip, other gifts of crystal that was given to us at our wedding. All in all pretty pieces that each meant a lot. All family and friend knew that these were collected and prized. My sons knew to avoid and not play around these items.
The adults were in the kitchen talking and the children playing and chasing when all of a sudden the loudest crash and glass sounds, children screamed and ran to get us. We went rushing in to see my son laying near a very heavy glass table that was now flipped over and crushed and smashed every piece of china on the coffee table.
My first thoughts were of his safety, and he looked fine, but dazed. He had been chasing a cousin when he fell, hit the top of the glass coffee table, flipping it over and spilling all the pieces onto the floor, only then to be crushed by the glass coffee table now falling on it. Luckily when he put his hand on the table as he fell, he fell one way and the tabletop went the other.
Once all was found to be OK with my son and no one was hurt, the guests cleared out quickly. I think they knew it needed to be cleaned up and I did not want help. I knew at that moment that today was the day if I could ever get him to say the word sorry from his lips… today would be the day. This was something that he had never been able to do, even at home and was somehow tied to the selective mutism. What happened over the next two hours would change his and our lives forever.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, shyness | Tags: Elective Mutism, family, Selective Mutism, Shy
There comes a time when you just have to accept what was going on. My son lived in two worlds, the world of the speaking, and the world of being selectively mute. He did not seemed as bothered as we were that he did not speak. He seemed very happy. The summer was filled with his talking and growth. Neighbor children came to play, he went to play, so normal, so regular, so talkative. Go to a school friends house, no talking, parallel play, so different.
He was about to turn 5, and we decided not to send him to kindergarten and to give him the gift of another year of preschool to see if this all worked out. He still could not say his was sorry; without spelling it, he was talking to us about why he thought he was not speaking. He just said, I can’t or the words just don’t come out.
The use of medications to treat option was returning as the only next choice, with all the other paths we had followed not finding a solution. We were still resistant. No protocol for children of this age, side affects TBD. It was just not the desired out come. The more we reviewed this with the Dr. the more the message was clear. Do you know what potential this child has and that you as his parents are preventing this from happening.
We felt awful. We felt as though there was not one else in this world that was bucking the system and saying no. We finally agreed, if nothing changes by the time he was to go back to preschool we would reluctantly consider medication options. Hope for it to work itself out naturally was fading. Just like the long days of summer coming to an end, the school year loomed just two weeks away.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, shyness | Tags: Elective Mutism, health, selective mustism, Selective Mutism
The school year was drawing to a close and options were needed. Do we send him for an extra year of preschool, or as they say a “red shirt “ kindergartener? Do I try to find some other program that is willing to deal with the condition and try to improve it? The current preschool he was as just ignored it, as though it did not exist, was this a good thing or a bad thing. Did it allow the selective mutism to exist and continue since no one made a big deal of it. Would it be the same thing for the next year?
Encouraged by my neighbor, I called the school district to find out about the speech services my child even at 4 was entitled to. I called and spoke to the district coordinator and told her what the situation was with the selective mutism and told her I understood we qualified for services. Her reaction was …well …can you afford to do something privately? Yes. …Well then I would recommend you do that, because you are too affluent to be provided services….. what…. I am a tax paying person and why would I not be able to quality? There are much more needy people than you and we need the spaces for them. I thought this was for children with special needs. Yes and your child is not special needs. It is not classified as a need. What….her tone was very apologetic. Look you just do not fit the disorders we cover and do therapy for and you are better to find your own private resources. He does not qualify for speech therapy because he does not speak!
Again another dead end.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, self healing, shyness | Tags: alternative medicine, Elective Mutism, family, health, Selective Mutism, self healing, shyness
My voice is now partially back and perhaps that is the subject of today’s blog.
Since regular medicine was not working on my son with selective mutism, we started to look at Alternative Medicine Our journey out of regular medicine to hopefully find a path to his recovery. At least we hoped.
At first, it lead me to read a lot on the web site in what was known about the condition. We called and got an appointment with a homeopath who was very well referred. It again took 6 weeks to get an appointment. No insurance taken and cash paid We arrived not knowing what to expect. I was so hopeful, my husband was very hard headed and thought this path was going to be a bunch of crock. Perhaps we were both correct.
The waiting room was full and there was a room off to the side that seemed to be an area where the formulars for healing were being dispensed. Many would come to the window, they would mix up a special liquid, place it in a brown glass bottle and they would leave. Humm
We met Dr. B and he asked all the normal questions. After about 20 minutes, he said lead us to his work area and said, lets get started.
Get started, what did that mean? We went to a chair where he asked me to sit down and put clay beads around my neck. Placed a probe on my finger and asked me to hold my son. WHAT!!!
He explained that the beads would neutralize my energy and my sons energy would come through and he could register the voltage based on putting the probe in different bottles he had and come up with a diagnosis.
I was still hopeful, my husband had checked out mentally at this point. My husband looked at this a quackery, I looked at it as a chance we had to take. I was measured and tested and after 15 minutes asked us to join him in his office.
When we got in there, we asked him did he know of selective mutism. No… in my mind I said, a bad sign
He did accurately told us us our son had a respiratory issue and suggested for the selective mutism or unknown issues we were having with our son, the paths of regression hypnosis and cranial chiropractic. HUH.. What … regress my son back to a past life?… yes.. he said, or a head chiropractor. Yes correct.
What will that do? I think the plates covering his brain are pressing causing the issue. OK and who does this? A cranial chiropractor. I had never heard of such a thing.
He then gave us a whole bunch of info that was written on a paper bag and filled the bag with assorted herbs to try with this issue.
Since I did not want a child of 4 going to be regressed into a pass life of who knows what, we opted for the cranial chiropractor. It would be another 2 weeks until we could get in…
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, family, health, shyness | Tags: Elective Mutism, family, health, Selective Mutism
This is very unusual foar me, but due to a cold, virus or stress for the past two days I have completely lost my voice. I am now living in the world my son was living in of selective mutism.
Wanting to speak , but can’t. I had to do a speech to 40 persons attending a seminar and they had to give me a microphone and I spoke in a whisper voice. In the office, I have had to listen more and whisper. I am not able to interrupt and give my opinion. It is very interesting and the silence is quite comforting. But also know I will get me voice back. At a meeting today, a co worker said, oh do you have a frozen vocal cord? I frozen vocal cord… I could be like this forever? Driving home tonight, my throat felt tight. I rubbed my throat, tried to yell in the car. Nothing totally mute.
Then I began to think, is it stress or trauma, or a reaction to revisiting these times in writing this blog about my son and selective mutism.
At home my older son who is a teenager was not doing his home work. My normal was to get his attention is to call out or yell to check in on him, in some form or another, as some parents have to, to even get his attention.
This night I couldn’t and he had to come to speak to me. ..Nice
My neighbor came to the door and I she could not hear me saying, I will be right there.
I tried to call my dearest friend for her birthday. I bet she will not know who it was. My husband just laughed and said, they will erase that message even before they figure out it was you.
A person called to back out of a charity event they had signed up for and I had to email her back.
The world is different. Today I am seeing what it is like to be selectively mute. But I hope not by tomorrow.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, family, health, shyness | Tags: Elective Mutism, family, health, selective mustism, shyness
Months went by and no progress. I thought we could wait him out. In fact we could not. So we tried some experiments. If he would not talk to children in class and would talk to neighbor children, if we invite the child to our house, would he speak to them? No.
OK, then lets try it at their house. No.
OK, lets try the teacher coming to our house. No.
But there was a small win, we took the teacher into the other room to talk to her and he must of thought she left. What do we hear and what does she hear for the first time. His voice! She was shocked and said, you were not kidding he is articulate. He speaks in full sentences. Yes, we told you that was the case. She said, I know, but I just did not understand the level was as high functioning as a 1st or second grader. I have never heard him speak a word. I didn’t know.
This made this teacher, Miss R, even more determined to get him to speak in class. She felt he was missing out on so much and so did we.
When we arrived in school the next day, she had a butterfly key chain with all sorts of old funky keys. She gave it to our son as a gift and said these are your keys to speaking. I give them to you to unlock your talking. She told him it was to be used when he wanted to speak. Just open the door of his mind with the key. It was a wonderful gift, one my son has to this day. I had such hope it would be just the key needed to open up his world.
Unfortunately, it did not open the door to his speech, nothing changed. The school year was winding down and we knew we could not send him to kindergarten this way. There must be more options. We must be more open. What the keys turned out to be were more of a symbol for us, to open our minds to the keys that may solve the silence.
We stopped going to the Dr. for the play dates which is what it had become. He was still spelling S.O.R.R.Y , but he had return to his bad, instead of sleeping on the floor at our bed.
Medicines must not be our only option, but yet what.. what is the next step? How blind we felt, going on gut and faith that we would find an answer.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health | Tags: Elective Mutism, Selective Mutism, shyness
The verdict came back from the doctor, there was not trauma, no illness. But is was selective mutism. How do you cure it? How long would he have it? Would it just go away? None of these she could answer. It depends on the child. It may be anxiety and with play therapy it may clear up. There were a lot of May’s in our lives at that point.
So week after to week, we would come and he would draw, play games staged by the doctor. He would chat up a storm with her and she would tell us how bright he was. We would meet after to get a down load on what they did that day. I asked if she had spoken to the teacher and she indicated they kept missing each other. This went on for many weeks.
My husbands sister came to town and was finishing her masters in education and asked if she could go to the pre school and see it for herself. Since he chatted up a storm with her, she heard of it and wanted to see it for real. She came back amazed that this chatty kid would become another child when he entered the school. He would not speak to her or the teach or the students. She saw his lust for play doe. Perhaps he uses it to manage the stress? Perhaps he just liked it since he looked busy and did not have to interact with anyone. He looked withdrawn and passive. She took a few photos so she could show us what he looked like. The minute he left the building and got into her car his chatty self came back like a switch was turned on.
The doctor did say if play did not work then we need to look at a medicine for him to try…try.. I want givens not try. She indicted she wanted to put him on Prozac. When I asked what the medical protocol for a then 4 year old was she said there were none. it would be trial and error and it may or may not work. We said no thanks we will look for other alternatives. Plus has had a year before kindergarten and he would grow out of it before hand.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, self healing, shyness | Tags: Elective Mutism, family, health, Selective Mutism, self healing, shyness
The big day arrived and there we were going up the elevator near the local hospital to a Doctors office we had never been to. It was exciting and scary all at the same time. The waiting room was large and filled with toys. The parents sat and the children played. Well this look pretty normal to me, why is everyone else here? What would bring all these people to see a child physiologist? I was pondering it, when when a booming voice interrupted my inner voice with Mr and Mrs K , yes.. please come this way. We filled out the paper work, found out insurance did not pay and it was going to be over $250 for the first visit and $125 for each follow up.
We finally met Dr. E, she was well referred and seemed very dry. She asked a series of questions and asked us to explain what we were seeing. It sounded more like she was asking us if we were to blame, then hearing what we had to say.
She said, we will do tests and see if he has been abused? Abused?? No he is mute at school. He may have a medical condition such as brain tumour. No he is mute a school.
Have you ever dealt with this condition before Dr. E. Well I have only studied it and it is very rare. I saw it in a clinic when I was in my residency. What did you say… the woman was well in her 40’s, so 20 years ago.. my brain was about to burst.
More questions about my and my husband relationship…what does that have to do with it…his older brothers relationship, our relatives, his teachers. I was exhausted and still has not clear understanding of what was next. Next …. oh I will take your Son and do a series of test and drawings with him. You two go sit outside and leave him with me.
So we did, leave the little guy with the doc to have her do an evaluation. After it was over she returned him to us. Said said, do you know how bright he is? he is really of the charts and quite charming. He talks perfectly fine. I do not see the issue you are describing.
What… do I need to video tape it for you? I guess you will have to, since she thought we not representing the situation correctly. I jumped and and said, I will call the teacher, let her tell you what she sees. What you see and what she sees are two different children..
And thus the phone calls from teachers and us taking photos and videos to prove we where not crazy began. He still didn’t speak at school, but we where more convinced that we were not being believed.
The next meeting is in two weeks and I will give you my diagnosis. The spot light seemed more to shine on us as parents and not on the selective mutism that she could not see or find.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, shyness | Tags: Elective Mutism, family, health, Selective Mutism, self healing, Shy, shyness
Six months went by with no change at school, not a word. It was just the strangest thing. In the house playing with his brother or with friends, it was the son we knew. Chatty, happy and engaged. A far cry from what we were told and what we were not observing. A child in school so removed, so withdrawn, it would break my heart everyday.
I had thoughts that he was just stubborn and that it would pass, but as the months went on. We slowly began to ask our family members if this was something that was in the family that we did not know. Still having no idea that there was a name for this randomness. It was faceless, perplexing and as new parents, not prepared for.
It was an email from my Aunt B that gave us a direction and a course, or at least something to follow up on. It was an article describing things very similar to what we where seeing and experiencing with our son. They called it Selective Mutism or Elective Mutism. It described the silence or called it shy, it also said it was a form of anxiety and very rare.
OK … what we were expericenting with our son….it had a name Selective Mustism. but does he have it? How do we find someone to tell us if he has it? What is is and why does he have it?
The first place we turned was to his family doctor who gave us the name of a child phycologist and suggested we start there, since he had never heard of it. Something our Doctor has never heard of??? Something we did not know if is was short term or long term or life long?
We called the next day… an appt in 6 weeks. … 6 weeks.. I could not think to wait that long, but we did not know where else to turn. Would the new Doctor believe us? Would he talk with the doctor? He liked to talked to his own doctor. Which made it look like we were really over the top parents, since it was like your car with an engine ping, when you bring it in you cannot get it to do it in front of the technician. Since the Doctor saw a perfectly normal child who could speak, and I suspected he thought we as his parents where just too high strung.
So thanks to Aunt B and her Internet search the puzzle pieces fit. It felt good, if only for a moment. He was finishing up the year at preschool and still not a word, still blank in the face while there. How and if or should we send him next year to kindergarten? Is it better to send him next year… mute, or wait and sit him out until he can speak someday? Perhaps he would forget over the summer and just start talking? Perhaps he would never speak. I felt very alone.
No one else I knew had a child that was doing this. Why would he be different? Still not able to talk to the teacher or point to colors like all the other children. Not making friends except for one boy who did not care if he did not play with him or speak to him. The other children knew he was different. At a time when we did not want him to be different, he was. We wanted him to be normal and speak. He was not speaking in preschool and we would have to wait 6 long weeks to find out if this was what was happening.
Filed under: Elective Mutism, Mute, Selective Mutism, Shy, alternative medicine, anxiety, family, health, self healing, shyness | Tags: anxiety, Elective Mutism, family, health, Mute, Selective Mutism, self healing, Shy, shyness
After reading the People magazine on Selective Mutism and having a son who not only had the disorder but overcame it due to a particular event that I will tell you about that caused a break through.
He did not speak one word while at pre school. He is now 13, a champion speech contest winner, straight A honor student and very popular.
Thinking back, I only wish I had heard such news when we first found out that he did not speak at school when he was 3 to 5 and diagnosed with Selective Mutism which was also described as elective mutism.
I plan to cronical through this blog the many paths we took, the dead ends we were lead into and what ultimately happened to have the break through we hoped so badly for.
